Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
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when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Not helping
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.