Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.