Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
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“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.