Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
You Might Also Like
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Autocarrot sucks!
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.