[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
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Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you