I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
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[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.