I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
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is this a warning or an offer?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Why is everyone getting married at me
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Don’t forget to tip your server
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing