God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
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jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
War & Peace
this has to be peak English
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
*Inspirational Tweets*
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
No chill.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”