I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
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*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR