I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
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I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.