big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
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As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.