Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
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My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Noted.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?