SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
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just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?