Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
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MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about