Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
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Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…