Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
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Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.