Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
You Might Also Like
I’m listening
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.