Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
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[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I鈥檓 broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I have never related to anyone more.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
My child鈥檚 math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
If you think I鈥檓 annoying, give it some time. You鈥檒l know for sure pretty soon.
I鈥檓 at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I鈥檓 not able to sleep.
Me: I know it鈥檚 weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Yo. I spit out my drink 馃槀
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.