Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not