*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
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In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you鈥檙e way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My neighbours aren鈥檛 used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Cop: Is there a reason why you鈥檙e going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won鈥檛 work unless you go 88mph!
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
me: i鈥檓 sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that鈥檚 beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let鈥檚 do it together.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn鈥檛 list a 50垄 charge for extra ranch dressing and I鈥檓 hella pissed.
馃
Body: we鈥檙e exhausted. We鈥檙e going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Murder hornets don鈥檛 sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Breaking news:
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can鈥檛 wait to show them the routine I鈥檝e worked so hard on
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.