I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
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Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.