How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
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My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book