“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.