It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
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In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.