“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
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[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.