Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
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*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
The happy life.. 😊
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll