11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
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The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)