Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
You Might Also Like
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.