I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.