me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing