Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
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Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what鈥檚 so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
me: technically, they鈥檙e magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I鈥檓 just happy that this isolation hasn鈥檛 really changed me as a person, you know?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro庐*
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won鈥檛 eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 馃き
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I’d love this…lol
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.