if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
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Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
gentlemen, hear me out
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.