Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
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FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Not even remotely sorry.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit