each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
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If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision