I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
inside you are two wolves
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.