@0hJuliette

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

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@robfee

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

@kiralc

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

@glum_and_fun

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

@billmaher

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

@ambamthankyamam

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

@MythicPicnic

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

@Smug_Lemur

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

@OneFunnyMummy

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

@Up2Long

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.