I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

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[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
[looks at label]


Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.


Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.


Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here


Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom


Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.


The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.


It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.


[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each