Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
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The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me