There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
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There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.