What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
You Might Also Like
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
There are no pants in heaven.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.