ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
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Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I have two kinds of followers
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”