When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
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Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Cow it started Cow it’s going
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?