Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
a fate I wish upon no one
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
*offers Batman cough drops*
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.