7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
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MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
The cake is mightier than the sword.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”