7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
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I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.