When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
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My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?