If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
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You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
me after drinking all the wine:
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
as is their right