You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
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Bartenders are just boneless bars
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there鈥檚 an angry customer at the front desk.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I鈥檓 being repossessed.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I鈥檓 glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don鈥檛 want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
馃檧馃檧馃檧馃樄
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
馃槤
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip