Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.