{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
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I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
what could possibly go wrong?
SF is the wild wild west man
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough