Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Who says great literature is dead?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
uncle dave has been through hell
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.