when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
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I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.