*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station