@JohnMayer

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

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@montgomaryrock

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

@KimmyMonte

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

@clichedout

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

@chelseaanet

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

@causticbob

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

@papasuncle

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

@JohnLyonTweets

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

@SardonicTart

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

@ClarkSpringheel

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

@BCMontgo

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?