Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
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*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.
Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?