Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
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Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.