@montgomaryrock Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
@JohnMayer Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
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@montgomaryrock 
@KimmyMonte *takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
@clichedout They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
@chelseaanet Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
@causticbob Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
@papasuncle Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
@JohnLyonTweets There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
@SardonicTart Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
@ClarkSpringheel I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
@BCMontgo [first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?