My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
6: are snakes just neck?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.