wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
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Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
selfie game
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe