Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
You Might Also Like
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
The booster protects against what, now?
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
no one likes gloating
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING