Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
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Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”