Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
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if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key